this is what i wrote last yr in my prayer journal:

Dear God, i know that in the past few mnths i have not been pleasing You in my heart, tho i seem to be find but You know and i know that my heart has grown cold and tho i can sing the songs and say the words and i totally believe what i am singing and saying but it somehow gets stuck at my mouth and my head and sometimes in worship i am able to feel it again but its always shortlived and i really repent of whatever i have been doing that has made You angry and disappointed in me. i know that i am nothing without Your love there to confort me but recently ive been feeling it less and less. and i know that my passion for you has started to grow cold and i see and hear myself growing into someone i dont want to be so God please bring me back to you. i repent of all i have done that has broken your heart and i do look to you for my paths and i know i have been trying to go my own way, please forgive me Lord. i am blind and weak but i thought i wasnt. forgive my stubborness, and when i saw the beauty of your creation in new zealand i couldnt find it in myself to worship you as you deserve and it scares me so much that maybe i am losing you because i know if there is one thing i cannot afford to lose, it is you. i dont want to have to keep giving myself cold comfort by saying over and over again that i am doing it for God or that i must trust in you, i want to have it in me so much that i dont just think it but feel it as well. i know that when i say i've lived to worship you that it has been a lie for the past few mnths because i haven't. i have only lived for myself. i confess my sins Lord, may you find it winthin you to forgive me? i dont want to take you for granted and as i look from here onto earth i see how small i am. how wonderful you have made the heavens and here i am ashamed to speak of your love. take away the judgemental spirit within me and teach me to be humble. i know that the person i am is not who you want me to be and i dont want to be this person also but i know that by myself i cannot pull myself out of this so please please Lord forgive me once more, i promise i will hold your love and grace in higher esteem this time. i know that you have been in my life for as long as i can remeber and i have started to think that you will never leave me so i have been free with the grace you have poured out to me and maybe thats why youmoved away? to teach me that without you i am NOTHING. my greatest resolution is to love you completely this year. please Lord forgive me. i will really try to change. i need you in my life more than anythingor anyone. forgive me for trying to find a substitute or for thinking that all i need are people rather than you! how blind i have been and there are so many things i want to change in my life and its kind of overwhelming but i just want to submit to you Lord Jesus, i really really need you to take control of my life and lead me to the places you want me to be



its funny. just change new zealand to japan and you've got how i feel now...its rather disappointing to see that i havent really changed. i guess the only thing is that i can see that what darren said about me is right and at least now i have someone behind me and helping me. so yeah. hopefully i wont repeat the same thing again nxt yr mannn :(